The Difference Hope Makes
I just got home from a cold 22 miles adventuring on the bike with a treasured friend and as I sit here waiting for my body to regulate temperature and function properly, I had a sobering flashback to where I was last year. You see, every year this is hunting weekend for my husband, which means I man the home alone with the cats for a few days, which I never mind. But this time last year there were no miles on the bike, I don’t know that I left the house at all. I remembered waking up way too late in what was barely still considered morning after staying up way too late every night, making cocktails or pouring yet another glass of wine and staring at the walls, not wanting to feel anything. I remember crying anyway and being surprised by how the tears felt, it had been that long since I had been able to feel enough emotion to cry. I remember hiding two bottles in the bottom of the trash can that weekend, ashamed by how much I had drank, trying to numb it all out. But I mostly remember desperately not wanting to be here, or anywhere, at all. I felt so alone, so disgusted with myself, and so helpless to do anything about any of it.
I simultaneously want to weep at that remembrance, and also to shout victoriously and rebelliously into this quiet home that I made it here, that I am fully here, that I am so very, deeply, vividly glad to be here. Life itself hasn’t changed dramatically and yet it feels so dramatically different a year later. Hope will do that, slowly, then all at once, kind of like dawn breaking after the longest of nights.
P.S. It makes me cringe still, sharing any pieces of those dark times, but I think they are important, especially during this time of year when everyone else’s life and family looks so perfect and cheerful and whole. The tension of this season of joy combined with the griefs of both past and present can be hard to hold. But you’re not alone, even in those dark nights that feel so alone. I only saw the people surrounding me once I was out of the darkness, looking back. Keep pedaling.
