Darkness & Choosing Life
"I spent some years in a bad place you guys. You don't know from the outside. You don't f-ing know what's in someone's heart, we hold this shit too secret and I lost myself. I was thinking about ending my life, I gave it a lot more thought than a person should give, and even though I know it's for me, morally wrong, and it would hurt my family, the thought recurred and recurred and recurred, and I know that for me, what I think about, happens." -Lee McCormack
I still don’t know how to talk about my struggle with life through the last couple years, but when I watched Lee, my favorite world-renowned and eternally joyful mountain bike instructor, tell his story in the video below, I was astonished to hear my own thoughts and beliefs come out of his mouth in their rawest forms and all I could do was weep and weep at his fight to be here, at my fight to be here, and at the sheer relief of being understood, of knowing I was not the only one. I spent too much time in a very similar spot and fully believed a very similar set of lies about myself. I believe in God, in life, and in a purpose through it all, and yet the darkness took over and tried to win.
A few things that I think need said first: I’ve always contended with the companion of depression, but then I got sick this past year and told no one. I was also alone for much of the past year and reached out to no one, not even those closest. That’s how I got to the place I talk about.
Turns out I’ve had Lyme Disease for awhile, it also turns out I have some fiercely loyal old friends, some incredible new friends, all of whom have spoken truth, kindness, and so much encouragement and would have all along if I had only been honest long ago. But I couldn’t hear that truth for awhile, I couldn’t even see the people speaking it, or anything else. Pride and fear had been some of my cruelest masters, dictating the worst thoughts and decisions in the darkness, telling me to stay quiet and alone, telling me I was undeserving of love or compassion. I’ve since confessed these former thoughts to a few souls closest to me, and was met with an astonishing amount of compassion and love. The words of truth from those who love me has finally been heard, and with the help of a counselor and a good doctor, my feet feel more steady on this hopeful ground than they have in many years.
A couple months beyond that dark place now, Lee’s raw honesty here released a floodgate of emotions and weight I didn't even realize I still had in me. I’m so thankful for his light, his tears, his truth, his story. I’m realizing that courageous souls speaking these parts of their story into the world makes the rest of us feel so much less alone, especially when the honestly is coming from someone you otherwise know or see as a joyful, positive human like Lee here. So here I am, admitting my own battle with the darkness, my own battle for life.
A warning, this video is raw, really heavy, and discusses suicide.